Astari are totally brainless

Update, 02/12/2015: I have discovered something which saddens me deeply. Remember little Jackie Jenkins who fought the vicious rain so bravely to build her little two person abode? Well, as a proud god, I decided to revisit her and so I planted a tree just outside her window and as expected she ran out to celebrate. Only it wasn't my little heroine Jackie!! Somehow she had turned into a male, one "Bucket Doe!!" And when I later sent down sacred rains upon the tree "Bucket" had transformed into "Sarah Powers!!" This is wholly unconscionable!! Unforgivable.

Yet the dark powers at 22Cans have promised that all my tiny people are "unique individuals!" Unique individuals indeed! They aren't even individuals at all! To tell the truth I was afraid that if I investigated I would discover something like this. This is a grave betrayal of faith which now has me wondering whether my little people exist within their abodes at all, or just appear out of thin air when they "come forth" from their "homes!"

I was hesitant about revealing this dark truth to others in the community of gods. Yet you all deserve to know the truth of this most heinous illusion and betrayal!! I can only hope that the dark forces relent and give us the "unique individuals" which they promised. Return little Jackie to my fold and make not a mockery of my people!!

I will remain a faithful shepherd of my wee people though their lives are as a brief flicker of a candle's flame. End this most diabolical deception! Return Jackie to me!!

One "Martin Pedder" swam over today and was immediately transformed into Emily something. The population on Astariton Island now stands at 182. At least there is no further evidence of cannibalism or suicide. I suppose I should be grateful. Right.

Very disturbing.

Thanks for all the support. It means a great deal in these difficult times. I'm,...I'm sorry, I just can't talk right now, what with the loss of little Jackie...

Sorry about all the divine pronouncements but when stuff like this happens you're kind of expected to make 'em. The little buggers down there will probably be studying and "interpreting" my sayings for generations. Heh, heh. That's why I mentioned the "twelve horned beast." To give 'em something to think about.

Have you tried sending them to detention?

Update, 02/16/2015: Virtually all of Astariton Island is now covered in a dense swamp. Dozens of Astari poured out of Astariton for the "festival" today and spent the entire time sinking into the muck and climbing out again. Essentially there was no festival, yet their happiness edged upward a bit. One miserable Astari joined my people. I tried to smite their hideous fountain with the finger of god but it had no discernible effect. At the end of the "festival" it took all the Astari ten full minutes to get back inside their city instead of the usual fifteen seconds or so. But they seem pretty happy about it. So now I'm considering my options. I'm playing with the idea of dropping a comet on their hideous wine spewing fountain. This whole affair is becoming worse than trying to herd a bunch of rats. Being a god shouldn't be this difficult.

I hope you are listening FuriousMoo and Raspofabs because my ongoing monologue here is not just about silliness or satire, it's also about both the awful programming of the Astari and the insufficient god powers we've been granted. Where is my power to persuade?? It is either virtually nothing or total destruction?? God powers should be nuanced, subtle and clever not either ineffective or a sledgehammer!! Sorry about breaking with my storyline here but I'm a bit peeved that these things weren't thought out better.

Hint: how about the "Finger of Despair" or the "Finger of Hunger?" How about the "Finger of Nightmares?" Let's see, FoN might make the individual touched run away, hands to his head, from nightmarish visions. Unhappy bubbles would float up from him for say ten minutes until his sanity slowly returned... thus lowering the happiness meter a tad. You lads at 22Cans need to be much more clever.

Hopefully I will be back in character tomorrow. Fix those god powers.

Cheers!

Update, 02/17/2015: Finally!! Vindication, redemption, justice and success!! It probably cost me 200k belief or more but hey, small price! This morning I put layer after layer of dense swamp over every inch of the island and then did it again, and again. There was no festival. Period. It took the little buggers over two hours to get back in their city after they streamed out like so many lemmings and sank down at virtually every step. Dozens of unhappy face bubbles wafted up in the breeze, floating like precious flower petals of unabated misery!! Again and again their misery rose up to the heavens and gathered at the feet of their long neglected true god! What divine glory! What righteous deliverance and justice!

And the hated and heretofore unflappable "happiness meter" of the Astari plunged ALL THE WAY TO THE BOTTOM!!! Hallelujah and praise be to me!!

At the end of the day the population of Astariton Island, henceforth to be known as The Isle Of Retribution, stood at 138 tormented souls. Two swam over to the undying lands of peace and love and my merciful embrace. The rest vanished I suppose; spirited away by grief It would seem; destined to wandered in some bleak, grey purgatory. But I did not strike down a soul!! For they hath called down this retribution unto themselves!

So much more just, meaningful, righteous ( and fun ) than simply burning the place down or destroying it with meteors. I can now rest my godly head with dignity and humble pride knowing that I have delivered divine justice tempered with mercy. Amen.

Just make sure to check back tomorrow to see if they're not back.

Lol.

By the way, congratulations on your 100th post master darkmoondragon!